01 / Coming home
After two weeks of being uprooted from my daily NYC routine, I had a visceral nightmare I was being chased by a murderer. I kept running and hiding in different nooks of this familiar apartment complex. I knew she was coming for me. As my phone was dying, I tried calling my friends and family, but no one picked up. I woke up before she found me (dramatic, I know). Google says dreaming about being murdered means: there's a behavior or habit I need to get rid of or it's a struggle between the way I see myself and who I want to become. I haven't felt this irrationally scared or paranoid since I was ten years old and home alone.
For me, this was a projection of my present self confronting my childhood self. Subconsciously, my present self has been smothering my childhood self in hopes that I'd never encountered her again. My childhood self, terrified of everything, operated in a scarcity mindset. She was resentful, depressed, selfish, and apathetic. I hated her even while I was her. Through blazing willpower, my present self is the opposite of her. Or so I believed. I realized that until I understand her and care for her, I‘ll never escape her. Also, she may always be a part of me and that's ok. But she can't control me anymore.
I am my worst critic. Every creative person I know wears this like a badge of honor, but I think I've been in an abusive relationship with myself for a very long time. The lines blur between when I was taught I am not enough and when I began telling myself I am not enough. When you‘re in a scarcity mindset, you're constantly in survival mode. I developed a high pain tolerance for working and became excessively self-disciplined and high strung. This rigid mindset helped me achieve certain life goals, but I'm seeing the cracks of this unsustainable foundation. Now, the other side of me–empathetic, idealistic, self-expressive–is seeping back through the cracks.
Finally, I am ready to be my own mother. I am ready to meet myself with unconditional compassion. I am ready to holistically unpack and heal my traumas. I am ready to come home to my body, whatever that means.
What does coming home mean for you?
Upcoming
WAC Artist Showcase / Tuesday, November 27th, 7-9pm @ Theater Lab The WAC Artist Showcase is an opportunity for femme artists to come together and share what they are working on. We will be exhibiting visual art, contemporary dance, original music, spoken word poetry, and performance art. I'll be selling limited edition art prints & hand-painted canvas totes bags. (Use discount code: bianca) Purchase tickets here.
Past
"It's me, Mom." @ Rhinebeck Residency by The Seventh Wave
Over the summer, I participated in my first artist residency. I'm grateful for the time and space to re-examine a traumatic experience I haven't thought about in years. Also, they're accepting applications for their West-coast residency and anyone can apply! Link here.
Check it out
Vivian asked: My question is how you found your voice, your style, your truth. I feel like I’m being pulled in too many different directions and my growth doesn’t feel organic; I.e naturally found. I feel pressure from the artists around me to learn from their style, but I dunno where the “me” went.
Every creator follows their own spiraling path to get to their truth. I can only speak from my experiences:
1. Since I was twelve, I obsessively absorbed everything I could about art and design. If I discovered someone interesting, I looked at their work, read their bios, and researched their thinking process. Then I'd dig even further by listening and reading any interviews with them. At this point, I probably copied people's styles and that's ok because I was learning from them. My curiosity drove me and it continues to drive me today.
2. Eventually, I formed my own artistic opinions, which naturally happens when you absorbed enough content. At first, it was simply, I don't like that and I like that. When I began refining my tastes, I challenged myself to elaborate on why? The ability to explain your thinking is critical to developing the depths of your creative ideology.
3. A style is a thoughtful hodgepodge accumulation of what a person likes. The more attuned a person is with themselves, the more naturally their style comes out. I stopped being so self-conscious about the weird shit I gravitated towards. Also, after years of looking, doing, and learning, I developed a personal library of references in my brain that I draw from and incorporate into my style. Being creative is the ability to observed the world and make surprising connections between unrelated content.
4. Finding your truth is rooted in self-reflection. I've kept a diary since I was six so I've been asking myself questions for a long time. Self-awareness doesn't happen overnight, it takes vulnerability and the right state of mind. Start interviewing yourself and if you begin to unpack something heavy, make sure you have a support system in place. A support system includes trusted friends, family, a therapist, and a community.
TLDR; The Gap by Ira Glass sums up my thoughts in two minutes.
Three notes on gratitude
I'm thankful for the relationship I have with my sister and our ability to understand each other even as very opposite people. We weren't always close and it's not always easy, but I'm proud of the progress we've made.
I'm thankful for oat milk so I can drink all the lactose-free, tea lattes I want (life-changing)!
I'm thankful my oldest friend (18 years and countin') Malorie was born on November 12. Whether it's helping me hang artwork the night before my show or going to a freezing concert on a rooftop, you always show up. Thanks for supporting my insane endeavors and enjoying the same weird shit as I do. Can't wait to support and brand your bakery when it's official!!
A curated playlist for you
01 / coming home by bng
Every month I'll include a playlist for you to enjoy during your commute, wherever that may be. I hope it makes your commute slightly less terrible.