03 / yes and no
In 2017 I lost my identity, and the only good aspect about starting from scratch is the liberating freedom you gain. In 2018 I welcomed every possibility life threw at me. I said “yes” to every request, especially the ones that terrified me. Despite feeling directionless, I still believed in my ability to figure it out. I ran away from my comfort zone to test my mental and physical limitations. I tried on dozens of different versions of myself. I’ve never been so extroverted in my entire life. I didn’t even know that much energy existed within me. It was thrilling and exhausting. I learned I feel the most alive when grappling with my own creative challenges, and I discovered what I loved and hated.
Unexpectedly, I enjoyed hosting workshops, giving talks, and going to events alone (for context, I was that kid with sweaty hands during icebreakers on the first day of school). On the other hand, I didn’t enjoy schmoozing at certain events and hosting more than one event a month (I need a lot of recovery time). I feel the most comfortable creating artwork in the safety of my studio, but that gets lonely sometimes. Seeing people engage with my work in a meaningful way, IRL, re-energized me. I felt overwhelmed by the support I received from family, friends, co-workers, and complete strangers. People showed up, and I felt like I could breathe again because I wasn’t alone anymore. People believed in me so much, I started believing in myself. Instead of questioning, “Who am I to x, y, z?” I questioned, “Why not me?”
Suddenly, the softer version of me grew louder. She took up more space than the harder version of me. Two of the most significant revelations I had in 2018 was the audacity to accept the truth, I am an artist, and I want to pursue a life where I can create as much as possible.
To those going "WTF?!" yes, I was 110% faking it ‘til you make it (and guess what, so can you). Half of the things I did in 2018 was my first time doing it. After attending a mediocre talk by a white dude, I decided to channel the confidence of a mediocre white dude for the rest of the year (I think it worked?!).
In 2018, I found my creative confidence, and I am exhausted. 2019 is about cultivating my limited energy. Instead of blindly saying "yes", I will be intentionally saying "no." My focus is on the tedious process of personal development and purging the habits that no longer serve me. I will draw more and I will also be researching new personal projects. There will be less glamour and more stillness. You might not hear from me on Instagram about events as frequently, but I promise you, I am alive, thriving, and happily incubating.
What are the ways you protect and restore your energy?
Wtf happened in 2018?
In 2018 I kicked off the year with an artist mastermind class called THRIVE. I had 3 talks, 3 art shows, 2 zine-making workshops. I produced my first interactive art event. Along the way, there was a video shoot, artist residency, artist market, and an interview with The Slant.
The projects I created included Take Up Space: Defying Dualities, The Cosmos branding, "It's me. Mom" from the Rhinebeck Residency, an illustration for “Waiting for Us” by Cassandra Lam and Karen Mok in Slant’d, and this glorious newsletter.
Here are some of my favorite and proudest moments:
Check it out
My goal was to read 20 books and I ended up reading 18 books.
Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
The Leavers by Lisa Ko
Listening to Design by Andrew Levitt
When Breath Becomes Air By Paul Kalanithi
Sour Heart By Jenny Zhang
What were your favorite books from 2018?
Three notes on gratitude
I'm thankful for my therapist for allowing me to take up as much space as I need and for challenging me to grow. When everything and everyone around me was changing at a rapid pace, my therapist was an anchor that kept me grounded.
I'm thankful for all of the people I've come across in my life. When I was younger, I focused on the brevity of friendships and the disappointment of relationships ending abruptly. Now, I fully appreciate the presence of people in my life, whether it's one conversation at an event or a decade-old friendship. Each person has the power to teach you something if you take the time to listen.
I'm thankful for anyone who's supported my creative journey so far. If you're reading this, thank you especially for believing in me.
A curated playlist for you
Every month I'll include a playlist for you to enjoy. I hope it makes your commute slightly less terrible.