02 / support each other
"I admire how vulnerable you are by sharing yourself in your artwork and now, your newsletter. Is this how you show up in your relationships as well? Are you able to be this authentic?"
"Ye–wait, no. I mean sometimes?"
Strangers and friends are in awe about how honest I am in my creative work. Meanwhile, I am in awe of how honest people are in their relationships. Yes, it requires a certain amount of courage, but for me, it actually feels safer. Why? Control. My processing time is 2x slower than most people. I question, analyze, and feel everything. Art allows me time to process my experiences fully. I can reclaim my story by sharing my conclusions on my own terms.
As a hyper-empathetic person, I can't watch violent films and hate noisy environments. I notice when my co-worker is sad. I feel my body tense as I watch my friends go through heartache. I absorb the energy around me. Sometimes I let my innate empathy become an excuse to avoid vulnerability. I mold myself to be whoever people need me to be. In conversations with friends, I avoid conflicts like the goddamn plague. Instead of being completely honest with a friend, I tell myself, they're feeling distressed, I shouldn't bring this up now, I'll just save this for later, which would be ok, except later turns into never.
Recently, I was on the receiving end of this dilemma. I got into a substantial argument with one of my dearest and oldest friends. It was intense, unexpected, and painful. Even though it wasn't my intention, I was being an unsupportive friend for a long time. Acknowledging that I caused someone I unconditionally love real pain was difficult and triggering. As disappointed as I felt about how long she sat with these emotions before telling me, I can’t really be outraged because I’ve 100% been there. In the past, I reasoned with myself that I’m protecting this person from unnecessary stress by keeping it to myself, but in reality, I was just scared shitless. Withholding information is a form of self-protection. I’m avoiding the potential disappointment of baring myself and not feeling understood or worse, rejected.
The irony of withholding information is that we miss out on the opportunity for meaningful human connections. You cannot avoid the ugly without avoiding the good. I don't give people the chance to hurt me because there is no opportunity for connection. But conflicts are not what break relationships. Avoiding difficult conversations is what breaks them. When two people show up, both equally vulnerable and receptive, the struggle can actually strengthen the bond. My friend and I are two emotionally intelligent, thoughtful human beings and still, we found ourselves in this situation.
How can we foster a space for vulnerability and how can we try harder to show up despite our fears?
Check it out
Here is my incomplete list of useful resources trying to answer “How can we better support each other?”
1. More self-awareness about how you move through the world: I find personality tests more helpful than horoscopes. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator will boost your ego while Enneagram will make ya feel like garbage (you've been warned). If you want more info about Enneagram: "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" by Don Richard Riso and "Essential Enneagram: The Definitive Personality Test and Self-Discovery Guide" by David Daniels and Virginia Price.
2. Understanding your needs: Go figure out your 5 love languages! As cheesy as this may seem if you don't even know what you need, how can you expect your friends and partner to support you? Bonus points if you check in with each other regularly. Also, here's an interesting podcast about the subtleties of a scarcity mindset.
3. Better communication: This podcast with Oren Jay Sofer is about nonviolent communication (even the first 20 mins are informative).
4. Dr. Brené Brown: She is a champion researcher on shame and vulnerability. And if you're wondering how any of this relates to the creative pursuit, I encourage you to listen to this podcast with Brené Brown.
Please send me any further resources and thoughts you have.
Three notes on gratitude
I'm thankful my best friend Kelly was born on December 12. She is the first to challenge and support me. She is as part of my artwork as I am and I would not where I am without her unconditional love. I'm incredibly proud of the accomplished writer she is and I'm lucky to witness her growth throughout the years.
I'm thankful my sister was born on December 19. She's the most selfless and intelligent person I've ever met. If you told 12 years old me I'd be friends with my sister one day I would've laughed at your face. Now, I can't imagine my life without her.
I'm thankful for my health. Despite all the ways I feel like my body fails me, I am thankful for my general mobility.
A curated playlist for you
02 / support each other by bng
Every month I'll include a playlist for you to enjoy. I hope it makes your commute slightly less terrible.